Blog, because you have no mouth but must scream.

It's very depressing to feel that you have no reason to get out of bed. To have no reason to want to wake up in the morning. Because waking up in the morning just means that you have to spend more hours awake feeling the way that you do.

When I get up, the house is empty. My father has gone out in search for food, and to meet with his other retired friends. Leaving me at home alone, with only canned food to live with. I survive on instant noodles, sausages, lettuce, the occasional slice of bread, sometimes, spaghetti. All that I have to cook for myself. And eat it alone. It's not was dismal as it seems. I get by, sometimes he buys food back for me. It's just that sometimes, he comes home so late that I have already cooked and eaten. So he's given up buying food for me.

Then I plop in front of the tv, and watch mindless shows to numb myself. "I should be studying", I tell myself. And yet, i make no move to go to my books. "I should exercise", I say. Yet I just lay with my head on the couch.

My life is not mine. It is run by the people around me. I study not because I have the burning desire to learn. I study because I need to know, I need to get a degree, I need to earn something that the previous generation didn't get. It's all a pursuit of the paper. In the end, after years of toil, mugging, tons of trees in the cupboards, all you have to show for it, is a piece of paper. And yet, if I think that it's such a meaningless thing, why do I still pursue it?

1 year ago, I graduated from poly, and decided, Hey, I wanna work and see what it's like out there. Then I'll go study later. And then, there was the conversation.

"What school do you want to study?"

"... mdis..."

"I thought you said SIM? Now change to MDIS. Previously say want to study Australia. What you want to do? Why do you keep changing your mind?"

Why DO I keep changing my mind? Because I don't KNOW what I want to do with my life. I have battled with it since the first time someone asked me this question in Sec 1.

My whole life was decided by my parents. I listen to them, conform to their wants, follow their advice. And all I have to show for it, is the innane lack of independance within myself.

I never knew what I wanted. All I know, is what I need to do to get by.

I don't know what I want to be. I don't know what I'm good at.

Whatever I wanted, was never good enough for them.

I'm a simple person. I don't have big dreams. In my book, ignorance is bliss. All I want to be is to be 3 years old, where the world was small, everyone was a friend, and I was shown love everyday.

When I was 10, I said I wanted to be an air stewardess.

My dad forbade me, he didn't like the company, and he didn't want me to suffer. It was for my own good, he said. And so I listened, and slept away the first dream I had.

When I was 19, I said I wanted to be a waitress. Try it out, see the world.

My mom forbade me, Why should I have to take the shit people give to waitresses? And so, I threw away another one of the things that I wanted to do.

I met someone I wanted to be. His name was Eugene. He came from Japan, and has done everything under the sun. He even paid someone to employ him as a cleaner. But I knew I could never do what he did. Because I was not capable of it, not smart enough, not independent enough, and not brave enough to leave behind everything I know, because I know nothing else.

I need to be told things. To be told that I did well. To be told that I can do it. To be told that I am a good girl. To be told that I am a fillial daughter. To be told that I was pretty. To be told that I am loved. Without any subtitles.

"See, you can did it wat... this is what you get when you study"

All i wanted was "Good job, I knew you had it in you."

"You can do it if you're not lazy"

All i wanted was "You can do it"

Everything had conditions.

The only times I heard wat I wanted to hear was never from them. Unconditional words.

"You're really a good girl. Your parents are lucky to have you as a daughter," my aunt said when I broke down one day. "You really are, but they don't really see it."

"You're beautiful. I love you, you know that?" my baby says as he looks into my eyes.

And they want more of me. I give them everything that I can. I try. I really do. I go to family gatherings when my sister won't. I come home by 12 when they set the curfew. I know they are now tight with money, so I spend only what i have and never ask for extra from them. I try and do what they ask of me. Do the laundry, sweep the floor, clean your room.

"You're so selfish", they say. "All you do is your own things. As if you don't live in this house, you only live in your room."

There's also the "Can you please wash your own things? I am not your maid. I don't have to do things for you."

When you practise what you preach, it will be reciprocated.

What am I supposed to do when they keep telling me to do my own things, as well as do things for them. Yet they don't do they same?

He vacuums the house, yet leaves me to clean my own room. He leaves the cups in the sink, and she expects me to know, and wash. I don't walk into the kitchen every hour and look at the sink for things to wash. I am expected to clean up after myself, yet they just leave things all over the house for me to clean.

And all i want is some show of expression. They're not affectionate. But I am. I would like a hug once in a while. A smile my way. A gentle tone. "You look nice today, where are you going?"

And all they do when they want to know, is snap at me. "Where you going? What time you coming back? With who?"

And I want to answer them nicely. But when I'm met with a tone like that, all that comes out my mouth are just hurtful things that i don't want to say but come out anyway.

And that just worsens things.

"Why don't I try to talk to them?" you ask.

Have you tried talking to parents who won't listen? Who look at you like you are the dumbest thing they have ever seen? Who sometimes say out loud that why is it that people have children, and they have children, and why did theirs turn out like that? Who interrupt you when you're voicing your opinions with corrections that they think is the right way to think? Who ask you why don't you put yourself in their shoes? Who ask why you don't listen to them? Who says God will punish you one day?

When I think about trying to talk to them, and what I want to say, I just cry.

So now, I just sit at the computer, with tears running down my cheeks, typing what I want to say. I blog because this is my form of catharsis. I cry because all I want to do, is scream.