Heat is not the only stifling thing nowadays

It seems like the only time i post is to whine... about my parents...

so i told them about the FHM thing, and as expected, they weren't very happy... i may have left out a few details, so that probably lessened the dissatisfaction...

They always say contradictory things... they say they treat me like an adult, but it's the opposite. I still have to report to them where i go, what i do, etc etc.

I know that i have to talk to them, but i know that talking to them won't work. They are just not the kind of parents that you talk to. I was chatting with cat on the way home last night after prata, and she agrees... knowing my parents for around 17 years, she can see that it won't work.

i will try anyway, but i don't know how it's going to go...

Last night, i went for a wake, came home, showered, then went out for eats with cat. When i came home from the wake, they were asleep, so i left a note on my door saying that i went out for prata with cat. on the way home from that, my dad called. he woke up and demanded to know where i was.

Cat thinks it's a control issue, they're feeling like they're loosing control over me. Well, that's natural issn't it? A child grows up, and the older she gets, the less control you have.

They say i don't respect them. I think that they just don't trust me. I have to earn their trust and respect. But, i do, yet i want to be independent and free of them.

The only thing tying me to them, is my dependence on them for money. I wish i never started school. I wish i waited and worked first. Because i caved into their constant pestering of starting school, i became their 3 year old again. A child that they have to constantly look and worry after. A child that must never grow up.

It's such a pain to live in this house. They are ignoring me. We already don't talk, and now they're giving me the cold shoulder. I am not going to crack this time. I shall fight for my independence.

Behave like an adult, you say. It's easier said than done in this house. If they want me to behave like an adult, why is it that they want me to be the child that reports to them anywhere i go?

When i spoke to my mom, her issues with me was that i did't help around enough in the house. Fine, i didn't so i accept that. I will try to do more. When she spoke to me, she kept saying that what's the point in having a pretty daughter with no substance. Am i really that bad? i asked. She said she didn't say i was bad. So i'm empty. An empty vessel. Can you really blame me for being one? I was never allowed to express my opinions to them. All i ever had to do, was to smile and nod when they suggested anything, then go along with it.

Family dinners, house visits, anything to do with relatives, i had to go. It was a matter of face. One of the daughters had to go, and it was always me. I never had a choice in anything that i wanted to do.

Going to poly. I wanted to go to TP, nevermind that it's miles away from my house. I thought that their course curriculum was better. it was the "gentle" nudging of my parents that i chose to go to NYP.

I wanted to work after graduating. It was their constant badgering of "what are you going to do with your life now" that led me to continue studying. How many people know what they want to do with their lives at 20? I never had any life changing decisions that were made by me, how was i supposed to know what i want to do?

I never got to make any decisions, how can you blame me for my lack of idependence and my childish behavior?

The issue my father had, was just face. What are people going to think of me, aka his daughter, aka him. It never was an issue of whether i respected them, it was the issue of what are people going to think of him. It's always him him him him him. It always seems like a farce. To constantly use everything he has to improve his image.

Nothing is ever any good. I'm too tired to talk about them anymore. They just drain any happiness that i have. And they always wonder why i don't want to stay at home or talk to them.

They always ask why i go out, is it because the house has thorns? Yes, and the thorns are them.